1. I'm so pretty. Too pretty to be waitressing here.
    As they slide a big meaty hand over my backside with the full knowledge that if I scream I'll lose my job.
  2. I'm an ugly bitch.
    When I reject compliments like "nice tits" on the street
  3. I'm a psychopath.
    Because we were dating for three years and I cried after finding out how much I'd been lied to. Yep. That's me. Just one chainsaw away from Patrick Bateman.
  4. It might never happen
    Right after they tell me to smile. As soon as you're talking to me pal, it already has.
  5. I only got PhD funding because I am beautiful.
    Dang. Oh well. You win some.
  6. I only got PhD funding because I fucked my...
    Straight female supervisors. Both of them!
  7. I'm being hysterical.
    It doesn't matter what has happened. What or who I've lost. my GOD CAN I JUST STOP BEING SO FUCKING HYSTERICAL
  8. I'm on my period.
    Actually I free bleed, so if I was, you'd know
  9. I might want to dumb down a little
    Smart girls are kind of a turn off. Unless... Do you have one of those little graduation hats?
  10. I'd only get kicked out of bed
    So he could fuck me on the floor
  11. Maybe I didn't hear him the first time
    He wants my number. Oh OK then. Seeing as it's you.