THINGS MY DOG HAS EATEN RECENTLY

  1. All the cat food
    He slinks into the kitchen and eats all her food in one mouthful. He knows he isn't allowed to do this but he ignores at least three "no"s before he runs away
  2. Quite a lot of cat shit
    And looked heartbroken when I wouldn't let him lick my mouth after
  3. The Holocaust
  4. A hairpiece that my friend had made for me to say thank you for helping with her wedding
    I might have cried
  5. A lot of very important papers that I was working on
    Carceral geography is tasty
  6. A used condom
    Ok more specifically, a condom THAT WE HAD JUST USED. And we were like oh, I guess we autopiloted and put it in the bin. Nope. Not in the bin. I know it wasn't in the bin because exactly 24h later on our walk, he stopped in front of an old lady's house and shat it out.
  7. A pair of my knickers
    More specifically, he repeatedly stole them from the washing basket and took them into the garden and sucked them for hours
  8. Marlene the British Bulldog