THINGS THAT ARE NOT IRONIC

Sorry Alanis
  1. Winning the lottery at 98 and then dying
    Statistically likely that if you play the lottery your entire life, you will win money at some point. Furthermore, dying two years before your 100th birthday is what we call a "good innings."
  2. A death row pardon two minutes too late
    Would literally never happen so why am I arguing if it's ironic or not
  3. Rain on your wedding day
    If you book your wedding in October it's not irony it's highly likely... that you are a moron
  4. The good advice that you just didn't take
    Obstinance
  5. A plane crashing
    Don't fly Malaysia Airlines duh
  6. A traffic jam when you're already late
    If you're late then you probably usually set off earlier.....TO AVOID THE TRAFFIC
  7. A no smoking sign on your cigarette break
    Have you smoked so much that walking three metres is hard? You should quit
  8. Ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
    ARE YOU LOST IN A SPOON FACTORY? WHY THE FUCK DOES A RITUAL SELF HARMER LIKE YOURSELF HAVE TEN THOUSAND SPOONS?
  9. Meeting the man of your dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife
    If he's married he's not the man of your dreams. Step off