TIMES I WAS THE ABSOLUTE WORST

Consider this an apology
  1. Circa 2006 when I saw my babysitter reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix and I asked "Have you gotten to the part where Sirius Black dies?"
    She hadn't. In fact she was visibly less than halfway through the book
  2. When I tried to forward an internship rejection email to my mom with the caption "ugh so unfair, so unjust" but accidentally forwarded it back to the company instead
  3. I gave a presentation about flowers called "phalecia" in front of my bio lab but accidentally called them "fellatio" the whole time
  4. When my roommate asked me for someone's phone number but instead I gave her the number of the local police station
  5. When I briefly dated a boy even though I had caught him jacking off to pictures of my sister a few years earlier
  6. When I told someone that a party was a food drive just so they would show up with a bunch of cans and embarrass themself
  7. When I went back to my math notes to study for a test and the only thing I had written in my notebook was a list entitled "sandwich ideas"
  8. When I watched a guy I was on a date with smile opening multiple snapchats and texts from his recent ex girlfriend and I let it slide
  9. Eight grade when I had my first kiss with a boy who had lice. I lied about kissing him, and then gave all my friends lice.
  10. When I dressed as a ghost on Halloween and convinced boys to kiss me through my ghost sheet by telling them "I'm a 10"
  11. When I told my little sister that they had misspelled her name on her birth certificate so her name was "Magret" instead of "Margaret"
  12. In 5th grade when I forged a note from my sister to a socially awkward boy asking him to the dance and put it in his locker
    Free draw in art class was promptly canceled for my whole class
  13. When I was probably 9 I called a girl who had pointy boobs "Kim Possible" to her face
  14. When I thought I was on a one way street so I lane changed over and almost hit oncoming traffic on the way to Joshua Tree
  15. When I told my innocent roommate in high school that all her guy friends secretly did meth and she believed me and started crying
  16. I sang the song "My Dick" for acapella try-outs in high school
  17. I always order last at restaurants just to order a Shirley Temple and watch everyone change their orders to Shirley Temples