TIMES I WAS THE ABSOLUTE WORST
Consider this an apology
- •Circa 2006 when I saw my babysitter reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix and I asked "Have you gotten to the part where Sirius Black dies?"She hadn't. In fact she was visibly less than halfway through the book
- •When I tried to forward an internship rejection email to my mom with the caption "ugh so unfair, so unjust" but accidentally forwarded it back to the company instead
- •I gave a presentation about flowers called "phalecia" in front of my bio lab but accidentally called them "fellatio" the whole time
- •When my roommate asked me for someone's phone number but instead I gave her the number of the local police station
- •When I briefly dated a boy even though I had caught him jacking off to pictures of my sister a few years earlier
- •When I told someone that a party was a food drive just so they would show up with a bunch of cans and embarrass themself
- •When I went back to my math notes to study for a test and the only thing I had written in my notebook was a list entitled "sandwich ideas"
- •When I watched a guy I was on a date with smile opening multiple snapchats and texts from his recent ex girlfriend and I let it slide
- •Eight grade when I had my first kiss with a boy who had lice. I lied about kissing him, and then gave all my friends lice.
- •When I dressed as a ghost on Halloween and convinced boys to kiss me through my ghost sheet by telling them "I'm a 10"
- •When I told my little sister that they had misspelled her name on her birth certificate so her name was "Magret" instead of "Margaret"
- •In 5th grade when I forged a note from my sister to a socially awkward boy asking him to the dance and put it in his lockerFree draw in art class was promptly canceled for my whole class
- •When I was probably 9 I called a girl who had pointy boobs "Kim Possible" to her face
- •When I thought I was on a one way street so I lane changed over and almost hit oncoming traffic on the way to Joshua Tree
- •When I told my innocent roommate in high school that all her guy friends secretly did meth and she believed me and started crying
- •I sang the song "My Dick" for acapella try-outs in high school
- •I always order last at restaurants just to order a Shirley Temple and watch everyone change their orders to Shirley Temples
- •In high school a girl asked me to get her a fruity drink because I had a fake ID and I came back from the liquor store having used her money to buy a bottle of peach schnapps and nothing else