BELOVED THANKSGIVING TRADITIONS FOR THE CONSERVATIVE MAN WHOSE SON JUST CAME OUT AS GAY

A conservative man's homophobic misadventures.
  1. Coming together at Grandma and Grandpa Turner's house for brunch and a furtive explanation in the pantry.
  2. Grandma's Famous All-You-Can-Eat Blueberry Pancakes with fresh blueberry sauce and sidelong glances at the boy who you always thought was a little different.
  3. Threading spirals downfield during a friendly game of touch football and wondering how one dude could want to bang another dude.
  4. Trying to write a note for the Gratitude Jar but struggling to think of anything because oh my god my only son is gay.
  5. Holding hands in prayer around the large oak table and wondering where his hands have been.
  6. Filling your plate with moist turkey breast cooked to perfection and wondering how it is that somebody can't appreciate a good pair of titties.
  7. Losing your appetite because oh, lord help me, my son is gay.
  8. Eating a large slice of pumpkin pie with vanilla bean ice cream, and quietly contemplating that the family genes have been compromised.
  9. Calling it an early night to go home and reflect on where you went wrong, and to mentally prepare for Christmas with the Davidson side of the family who, I swear to god, Kathleen, are going to have a shit fit.
  10. Blocking out how kind and funny he is, and how superior to the extended family at school and sports, and vowing to seek counsel from pastor Greg Sunday morning.
  11. Making love to your wife and rolling over to sleep while she fantasizes about Caroline from first year English, the only person truly to please her.