BELOVED THANKSGIVING TRADITIONS FOR THE CONSERVATIVE MAN WHOSE SON JUST CAME OUT AS GAY
A conservative man's homophobic misadventures.
- •Coming together at Grandma and Grandpa Turner's house for brunch and a furtive explanation in the pantry.
- •Grandma's Famous All-You-Can-Eat Blueberry Pancakes with fresh blueberry sauce and sidelong glances at the boy who you always thought was a little different.
- •Threading spirals downfield during a friendly game of touch football and wondering how one dude could want to bang another dude.
- •Trying to write a note for the Gratitude Jar but struggling to think of anything because oh my god my only son is gay.
- •Holding hands in prayer around the large oak table and wondering where his hands have been.
- •Filling your plate with moist turkey breast cooked to perfection and wondering how it is that somebody can't appreciate a good pair of titties.
- •Losing your appetite because oh, lord help me, my son is gay.
- •Eating a large slice of pumpkin pie with vanilla bean ice cream, and quietly contemplating that the family genes have been compromised.
- •Calling it an early night to go home and reflect on where you went wrong, and to mentally prepare for Christmas with the Davidson side of the family who, I swear to god, Kathleen, are going to have a shit fit.
- •Blocking out how kind and funny he is, and how superior to the extended family at school and sports, and vowing to seek counsel from pastor Greg Sunday morning.
- •Making love to your wife and rolling over to sleep while she fantasizes about Caroline from first year English, the only person truly to please her.