Coffee shop conversations in America are in desperate need of some flavor. Rappers have no shortage of it. Just once, while eavesdropping in the corner of the room with a cup of jo, I would love to hear some of these real rap alternatives to comments like "it was just so rewarding to serve the Guatemalans" or "so how did you meet Jesus?"
  1. "Hey man, I'm really sorry I missed your wedding. How did it go? Where did you honeymoon?"
    Dr. Dre: "I married that bitch and swung down in the chariot."
  2. "I am a freelance writer, but in my free time I like to run, read to my niece, take pictures of, well, pretty much anything (I love photography!), watch movies, in moderation, of course, cook--"
    Azealia Banks: "What's your dick like, homie?"
  3. "Praise God, isn't life amazing?!"
    Kendrick Lamar: "Life ain't shit but a fat vagina."
  4. "Hey pal, I heard you moved from your apartment to a new house, how do you like it?"
    Afroman: "No more rats and no more roaches, living next door to football coaches."
  5. "Ladies, this is my friend Chancelor. Chancelor, meet my friends Lisa, Amber, Megan, Sara, and Bernice. They are such amazing friends, and did I tell you about the charity work they are doing with war orphans? It is simply inspiring!"
    Chance the Rapper: "Where the fuck is Matt Lauer at? Somebody get Katy Couric in here!"
  6. "Welcome, welcome, welcome to our second week of the Oprah Book Club pick, Ruby. Let's dive right in, Jermaine, anything you want to say about chapter two of Ruby?"
    J. Cole: "Fuck everybody. I'm about to go and join the illuminati."
  7. "You got her number?! Oh, Tyler, man, you are such a dog!"
    Tyler, the Creator: "I'm a fucking unicorn and fuck anybody who says I'm not."
  8. "Can I suggest ordering a plate of our home style pancakes and eggs with your espresso? The Coffee Cottage has the best breakfast this side of the Mississippi!"
    BJ the Chicago Kid: "Sex is the best breakfast."
  9. "So what did the doctor say about your tennis elbow?"
    Candice Pillay: "Doctors orders: 'Go fuck yourself. Take two of these in the morning, overdose, and kill yourself.'"
  10. "Nice work, bro, pound it!"
    Earl Sweatshirt: "I'll put my fist up after I get my dick sucked."