HOW TO TELL IF YOUR LOVER IS ACTUALLY THE FAMOUS PAINTING OF GEORGE WASHINGTON CROSSING THE DELAWARE
The foolproof guide to knowing whether you are making love to a human being or just a painting of our beloved first president crossing the Delaware River.
- •When you whisper to your lover, "I'm addicted to your body" it doesn't answer because it is a two-dimensional oil print.
- •When you indicate your lover and say "table for two" the maître d' says "do you mean table for one?" because you just indicated a large canvas painting under your arm.
- •When you feel a pang of sadness because your lover failed to reciprocate your thoughtful Valentines Day gift, it is because your lover is a 149 inch X 255 inch facsimile of the famous 1851 oil painting.
- •When you wake up chafed and raw in the morning, it is because you made love the previous evening to a wood-framed painting.
- •When it is your turn to host book club, your friends smile at your lover and say "I've always admired that painting."
- •When you die, your lover will be sold at an estate sale for no more than $40.
- •When you look in heaven for the face of your lover, you will be sorely and eternally disappointed, because it is actually a painting of a famous Revolutionary War scene featuring a boat, a bunch of dudes, and a river.