The foolproof guide to knowing whether you are making love to a human being or just a painting of our beloved first president crossing the Delaware River.
  1. When you whisper to your lover, "I'm addicted to your body" it doesn't answer because it is a two-dimensional oil print.
  2. When you indicate your lover and say "table for two" the maître d' says "do you mean table for one?" because you just indicated a large canvas painting under your arm.
  3. When you feel a pang of sadness because your lover failed to reciprocate your thoughtful Valentines Day gift, it is because your lover is a 149 inch X 255 inch facsimile of the famous 1851 oil painting.
  4. When you wake up chafed and raw in the morning, it is because you made love the previous evening to a wood-framed painting.
  5. When it is your turn to host book club, your friends smile at your lover and say "I've always admired that painting."
  6. When you die, your lover will be sold at an estate sale for no more than $40.
  7. When you look in heaven for the face of your lover, you will be sorely and eternally disappointed, because it is actually a painting of a famous Revolutionary War scene featuring a boat, a bunch of dudes, and a river.