HOW TO TELL IF YOUR RACIST GRANDFATHER IS THE WARLOCK OF ESSEX

  1. He complains that Mexicans are taking our jobs and that rumors speak of a Great Darkness that has recently awoken in the sleepy hamlet of East Winthrop.
  2. He frowns at the mention of your Brazilian girlfriend, and mutters that in his day, one stuck with one's own kind and raided neighboring tribes for potions and precious metals.
  3. He squints every time someone references Asia, and then slips through the fabric of time and space to resume slaughtering the goblins of 13th century Sussex.
  4. Your black friend, Stephen, refuses to visit because of past racist remarks, and also because he once caught your grandfather summoning Griswold the Ferocious of Nor'amon
  5. Whenever he meets a Cuban he hums "take me out to the ballgame" and then peels his face off to reveal the gnarled and hoary hide of a 1,300 year old warlock.
  6. He knows hundreds of racial slurs and one ancient spell capable of destroying the universe and each of its parallel iterations.
  7. Whenever someone addresses his as "sir" he shouts, "I'm a warlock, dammit, I'm a warlock!"