HOW TO TELL IF YOUR RACIST GRANDFATHER IS THE WARLOCK OF ESSEX
- •He complains that Mexicans are taking our jobs and that rumors speak of a Great Darkness that has recently awoken in the sleepy hamlet of East Winthrop.
- •He frowns at the mention of your Brazilian girlfriend, and mutters that in his day, one stuck with one's own kind and raided neighboring tribes for potions and precious metals.
- •He squints every time someone references Asia, and then slips through the fabric of time and space to resume slaughtering the goblins of 13th century Sussex.
- •Your black friend, Stephen, refuses to visit because of past racist remarks, and also because he once caught your grandfather summoning Griswold the Ferocious of Nor'amon
- •Whenever he meets a Cuban he hums "take me out to the ballgame" and then peels his face off to reveal the gnarled and hoary hide of a 1,300 year old warlock.
- •He knows hundreds of racial slurs and one ancient spell capable of destroying the universe and each of its parallel iterations.
- •Whenever someone addresses his as "sir" he shouts, "I'm a warlock, dammit, I'm a warlock!"