THE FIRST BLACK FRIDAY
In the hustle and bustle of our fast-paced consumer culture, it is easy to forget the true meaning of Black Friday, when our forefathers docked at Plymouth Rock in search of religious liberty, the bounty of the new world, and screamin' good deals on a wide range of products, including home repair, entertainment, and shoes and apparel.
- •Tuesday: The Mayflower docks, to the relief of the seasick and coupon-hungry pilgrims, the collective plight of whom is summarized for posterity by Seamus McKay, the verbose Scottish cooper, who utters upon disembarkation, "The shining shore of the new world! Land of the free and can't-beat-em deals." All the men doff their hats and weep openly.
- •Wednesday: Charles Smith is elected Town Cryer and begins his post by calling out Door Buster deals, including 2-for-1 stone ovens, 50% off name brand coon pelts, and mail-in rebates on all bed frames, tables, and wicker chairs. The corn whiskey flows as pilgrims everywhere celebrate the lowest prices of the year.
- •Thursday: A roving band of friendly Wampanoag Indians comes to investigate the merry making and general good cheer, where they are promptly invited to partake in a hastily-prepared feast as means of distracting them from the limited-quantity, one-time-only, first-come-first-served deals of a lifetime.
- •Friday: The contented indians are roused from their meat and whiskey slumber by the thundering feet of deal-manic pilgrims, whose singular vision of purple mountains, amber waves, and buy-one-get-one does not include the well-being of their native neighbors, three of whom are trampled to death in the pursuit of First Ten Customers Get A Free Bugle.
- •Saturday: The pilgrims wake with a collective hangover of shame and buyers remorse, and vow never again to trample people in a feeding frenzy of consumerism.