BEANS, RANKED

  1. 1.
    Peanut
    Where it all begins. Responsible for 51% of my caloric intake from toddler to full grown man, who was "making it" on my own.
  2. 2.
    Cocoa
    Cocoa and coffee have the power to build and destroy empires. If gold were a bean, it wouldn't come close. Yes, I know it is hip to call it cacao.
  3. 3.
    Coffee
    A great pick this late in the draft. Many had it going #1, but from someone who can't tolerate caffeine very well, I hope you're all happy with this selection. See cocoa.
  4. 4.
    Vanilla
    Way underrated and often associated with being bland thanks to the ice cream market. Also way over priced and often replaced with artificial impersonators. The vanilla bean will make a comeback. Mark my words.
  5. 5.
    Haricot
    The varietal to all our favorite savory bean dishes. Baked beans, green beans, cassoulet, red beans and rice, the navy bean, the great northern bean, black turtle beans, all haricots. Haricot in a pot is not to be topped.
  6. 6.
    Soy
    From edamame to tofu, what can't this bean do? Seriously, a modern "empire" bean in its own right.
  7. 7.
    Chicago
    The ultimate urban american selfie bean. Having never been, I mostly know it through the distorted faces of my dear friends and family.
  8. 8.
    Pinto
    Refried or in a burrito. A very humble bean.
  9. 9.
    Garbanzo
    When I first tried hippie hummus, I thought it tasted like garlic poop. But when I then tasted greek hummus, it was like god having silky smooth diarrhea in my mouth. Humdiggity!
  10. 10.
    Jelly
    The official bean of @mollyyeh
  11. 11.
    Fava
    Perhaps the most widely used and international bean with ancient origins. Show some respect.
  12. 12.
    Sean
    The only bean to act in both Game of Thrones and Lord of the Rings.
  13. 13.
    Black-eyed peas
    A very popular and misunderstood music group. At least I don't understand them. Sidenote, Podnah's in Portland has killer black-eyed peas.
  14. 14.
    Boston Baked
    I may be dating myself, but I used to buy these for ten cents. I loved the taste of burnt sugar. I was and still to this day am a total idiot.
  15. 15.
    Lentil
    Nature's sugar free candy buttons.
  16. 16.
    Mr.
    Sometimes comedy makes me feel uncomfortable or even vulnerable. Mr. Bean just makes me angry and mean, a mean bean.
  17. 17.
    Lima
    A popular bean, but why?