DOWN SIDES TO HAVING A BEARD THE SIZE OF A MISSION-STYLE BURRITO

  1. This is my beard
  2. Dog howls
    Young men stare and yell crap like, "YO DAWG, SICK BEARD!" It's objectifying, but also mildly flattering, and nothing is worse than processing this mixed emotion all day.
  3. Harassment
    I'm constantly recruited to play baseball for the Boston Red Sox. I don't even sport.
  4. Back problems
    I can't just shave the beard and then wake up tomorrow and get it BACK.
  5. Stray hairs
    If you're taking a lady back to your place for the first time, be sure to preemptively make a joke about how your stray beard hairs end up everywhere and kind of sort of look like pubes. I'm banned from most salad bars in town. They don't want my chin sprouts contaminating their croûtons.
  6. Maintenance
    I have to shower, shampoo, condition, oil, brush, balm, wax, comb and primp every time I leave the house, or people start offering me their spare change.
  7. Cost
    Here's my top secret recipe for bulk beard oil, all of which is available on amazon prime. Steer clear of overpriced boutique brands. 1oz lavedar oil 1oz. tea tree oil 1oz clary sage oil 1oz orange oil 1oz cedarwood oil 32oz grapeseed oil