HOW TO EAT A PINT OF ICE CREAM

  1. 1.
    Have a bad day
    It doesn't have to be that bad, but if you're having a "pretty good" day, this probably won't work for you.
  2. 2.
    Set the mood
    Dim the lights and make sure you are alone. Queue up some trashy television or anything that you would be embarrassed to watch around other people, but that you find totally engrossing.
  3. 3.
    Lick the lid
    Licking the lid of a freshly opened pint sends a message to the rest of the ice cream. The message is, "I'm going to destroy you". Now throw the lid in the trash.
  4. 4.
    Survey the site
    Start with the area that looks to have the richest vein of chunky nuggets and caramel globules. From there you will want to excavate which ever direction the vein takes you. Sometimes this means drilling a shaft down one side and then removing the foundation chunks at the bottom.
  5. 5.
    Take a breather
    Set the pint down somewhere within arm's reach. Immerse yourself in the trashy screen drama. Meanwhile, the ice cream will settle and reveal new mining opportunities. After 10-15 minutes have passed, and without consciously considering your actions, reach out and grab hold of the pint.
  6. 6.
    Go gangbusters
    If done right, you will have no memory of this step. When it's over there will be a couple spoonfuls left clinging to the bottom corner of the container.
  7. 7.
    Checkmate
    The ice cream has already lost. There is not enough left for it to go back in the freezer, and you have come too far not to finish the job. Take your spoon (dull with ice cream residue), and scrape it firmly against the sides of the container and under the last remnants of frozen cow milk sugar. Get every last bit and keep going until the spoon can no longer dig up a single drop.
  8. 8.
    Burp
    If you just downed a pint of solidified sugar fat, you probably have some trapped air. Let it out in a celebratory manner. Say, "I am human, HEAR ME ROARRRRR!" Indulge your neanderthal gene. Now go lay down like a well fed cat.