1. Eat away the area surrounding your face
    Eat enough so you can breathe, but not too much that it makes you sick. Don't waste your oxygen yelling for help. No one can hear you.
  2. Swim upward
    Slowly move your arms up alongside your body and above your shoulders. Lift your feet up and outward until your knees make a ninety degree angle. Now push downward in a swimming motion. Repeat until your head hits the lid of the jar.
  3. Twist off the lid
    Position yourself as if your are sleeping on your left side, with your head centered beneath the lid, and the bottoms of your feet pressing against the side of the jar. Create a suction between your right ear and the lid. Now start walking around the inside of the jar to twist open the lid. Take it slow so as not to create a wobble. If the jar falls off the counter, the glass shards could kill you.
  4. Climb out
    While on your belly, place one leg over the rim, grab on with both hands, and then pull your other leg over so you are hanging belly against glass. Think about how you almost died. Then let go. When you hit the countertop go into a backward sommersault to soften the fall. You made it! Go take a shower.