HOW TO TIE A TIE

  1. 1.
    Borrow a tie from a friend or relative.
  2. 2.
    Tell yourself you won't remember any of this in the morning, and that you always knew this day would come.
  3. 3.
    Have a glass of wine and unwind, enjoy your last moments of unrestricted airflow.
  4. 4.
    Struggle with your tie. Wear your frustration on your sleeve.
  5. 5.
    Whip the tie out of your collar and toss it to the floor.
  6. 6.
    Pace around the room and think out loud, "I don't even want to go to this stupid ______."
  7. 7.
    Let them console you, and pretend you know how to feel love.
  8. 8.
    Stand up straight and take a deep breath as their hands go to work.
  9. 9.
    Look dead ahead and focus on the blood red stain where your wine glass hit the wall.
  10. 10.
    Stand your ground as they pull and tug at your independence.
  11. 11.
    Tell them it looks good.
  12. 12.
    Lock yourself in the bathroom until they are gone.