SPA TREATMENTS THAT ARE 💯

  1. Volcanic Wind Wash $2,995
    Get dropped from a chopper into a vitamin rich sea of plankton. Relax your arms as dolphins escort you into a sensory depriving sea cave. Watch as molten lava oozes from the obsidian walls into your personal grotto and engulfs your naked body in purifying steam. When the heat becomes unbearable, float on an iceberg to an exfoliating beach of diamond dust. Wake up your senses with a brisk walk on a desolate wind swept island off the coast of Iceland. Followed by a rejuvenating organic mint tea.
  2. Facial Melt $195
    Let your toxins drip away as you relax under a glacial ice mask while listening to Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd on bamboo Beats by Dre. Next, we will massage your face with warm Brie to replenish vitamin E, and we'll follow that by drizzling clay infused hot nacho cheese, which will rejuvenate facial capillaries. The cheese will be peeled back slowly to exfoliate deep within your pores. Then each pore will receive a micro bead of Icelandic puffin tears. Afterwards, enjoy a mug of mint tea.
  3. Death by Massage $5,995
    Say goodbye to fatigue as a team of masseuses from every known discipline torture your muscles into holistic submission, releasing euphoric endorphins from deep within your chakra. Breathe easy as they wrench your neck and pulverize your organs until you find yourself looking into a light at the end of a long detoxifying tunnel. Get jolted back to life by defibrillating electro sensations and enjoy a life affirming cup of mint tea.
  4. Herb Body Roll $695
    This ritual initiates with three of the world's top chefs slathering you in rare cooking oils chock full of skin rejuvenating omega-3s. Let your limbs go limp as you roll effortlessly down a perfectly graded hill covered in immune boosting herbs and toxin eliminating spices. Then walk across hot coals and let the herbs smoke off your body to evict evil spirits and restore a healthy metabolism through aromatherapy. Finish by cleansing your pores in a bath of hot local mint tea.
  5. Pedicab Pedicure $3,995
    Relax as we cycle central park in anatomic cabs designed by Swedish engineers. Choose between puppies or kittens to lick your feet clean of any toxic grime. We will use the pedestrian lane so you can enjoy the colorful cursings of real life New Yorkers! Next, scientists will clone your legs, leaving out any old injuries, varicose veins, genetic mutations and other undesirables. After your new legs are grafted, you may choose a candy red nail polish, and enjoy a glass of organic mint iced tea.
  6. Paleo Plunge $1,295
    Start by submersing yourself in an iron restoring vat of warm wolf blood. Then transfer to a vat of calcium building buffalo milk. After that you will lie in a bed of foraged forest greens as our specialists crack eagle eggs over your entire body to restore fertility. Next, you will fold your body into a tub of raw almond butter loaded with vitamin E, and lastly you will be rinsed off in a waterfall of wild mint tea and served a glass of warm grass fed goat cream.
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