TOP 5 AURAL ENEMIES: MACHINE EDITION

  1. 1.
    Leafblowers
    Invented by a jetpack tinkerer and now part of a government program to eradicate the outdoor happy hour, this OCD accessory has been designed to emit a squealing tone, which mimics the mosquito, a creature that evolved specifically to drive people bat chit crazy. The machine is great for most blow jobs, or anytime you want to make your yard look like the inside of a department store. About the only thing they are good for is identifying neighbors who should not be trusted.
  2. 2.
    Overly sensitive car alarms
    Typically found on an overly worthless ride.
  3. 3.
    Max the barking dog
    This may be controversial, but when animals are bred until they can't breathe through their nose and need to have their anal glands drained on a regular basis, they're not that different from robots (robots are cool BTW). Max was bred to bark all night long and anytime I take out the garbage. He also jumps against the fence to make sure he startles me as much as possible. I will give Max credit for having a howl that spot on matches the frequency of the frequent siren activity in our hood.
  4. 4.
    Car mechanic guy
    Retired doctor going through a midlife crisis. Races cars on the weekend. Works on them most other times, day or night. No hand wrenches for this guy. He has enough pneumatic torque in his garage to jack off Optimus Prime.
  5. 5.
    Guns
    Waking up to gun shots in your alley is not a great way to start the day. You might be thinking guns should be number one, but the order is no accident. Someone that shoots a gun in a family neighborhood because a rival gang hurt their feelings, should have to spend the rest of their life working from home in upper middle class suburbia surrounded by a thousand leaf blowers.