THINGS MY DAD HAS DONE IN OUR SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD

  1. Shoot the mole in our backyard with a shotgun
  2. Stand outside with a soccer ball to kick at "cars going too fast"
  3. Place a fertility God statue in the garden to ward off squirrels
  4. Paint our front door green and yellow for the Oregon Ducks
  5. Cover said front door with a black shroud when the ducks lose
  6. Drive a 1965 Chevy Impala
  7. Make a "ridin dirty" music video with my 13 year old sister in aforementioned Impala