Everything I Accomplished in the Kitchen While Trying to Make Dinner

  1. Put canned pinto beans over heat.
  2. Shatter two glass food containers that were poorly stored beneath the drawer with the corkscrew.
  3. Slip my easily accessible nice leather shoes over my ratty rainy-day penguin socks to avoid stepping on glass.
  4. Break half the cork off a bottle of wine.
  5. Remove the top half of the cork from the corkscrew in a manner such that it flew into the air and landed perfectly in our Chemex. (Also: Later, upon drafting this list, realize I left it there.)
  6. Take the pinto beans off the heat.
  7. Press the remaining piece of cork into the wine bottle such that the wine sprayed onto the overhead cabinetry, adjacent counter, and my (fortunately Cab-colored) sweater.
  8. Let my wife finish dinner.