ALL OF MY SPRING ALLERGIES

Allergy season is in full swing here in Houston. So here's a list of the things that are simply too much for my immune system to handle right now.
  1. Waist trainers
    Y'all. This is a glorified corset. It is practically a torture device. I need a Zyrtec.
  2. Self-aware tote bags
    Oh look! How cute! It's like the bag is a sentient being! Vomit. Alavert STAT.
  3. Car eyelashes
    What about rain? And hail? And snow? Why? Claritin please.
  4. Overfilling the Keurig
    There is no excuse for this garbage behavior. I could use a Benadryl now.
  5. The phrase "it really could go either way."
    This is a Teflon phrase. You might as well not say anything at all because this group of words is utterly useless. Anyone have an Allegra?
  6. Family crests
    Probably used by the same people who use the term 'betrothed' un-ironically. Kleenex, please.
  7. MOTHER FUCKING POLLEN
    All of the drugs now, please.