I'M SORRY. ARTISANAL WHAT??
Use of burlap and chalk on the packaging? Check. A subtle nod to sustainability? Check. Utilization of obscure, old-world methods? Check. Alarmingly high price tag? Check.
- •Artisanal iceBrought to you by such places as "Favourite Ice" in the greater D.C. area, let's complicate one of mother earth's greatest gifts by hacking it with an axe and calling it 'hand-crafted.'
- •Artisanal saltDomestic salt just isn't good enough. Let's import it from the Himalayas, the caves of Peruvian forests, and the far-reaching shores of the Madagascar coral reefs.
- •Artisanal kombuchaLet's ferment some perfectly good tea by placing it in the damp environment of a dark, humid room and then tell people that it's good for their health! Advocating for this stuff is a sure-fire way to alienate yourself from other humans.
- •Artisanal hot dogsPlacing the word "purveyors" somewhere in your restaurant's catch-phrase is not convincing me.
- •Artisanal jamPut it in a mason jar and be sure to incorporate the flavors of fig and cracked pepper. Boom. Artisan. Done.
- •Artisanal cheese paperFaith in humanity: gone.