I'M SORRY. ARTISANAL WHAT??

Use of burlap and chalk on the packaging? Check. A subtle nod to sustainability? Check. Utilization of obscure, old-world methods? Check. Alarmingly high price tag? Check.
  1. Artisanal ice
    Brought to you by such places as "Favourite Ice" in the greater D.C. area, let's complicate one of mother earth's greatest gifts by hacking it with an axe and calling it 'hand-crafted.'
  2. Artisanal salt
    Domestic salt just isn't good enough. Let's import it from the Himalayas, the caves of Peruvian forests, and the far-reaching shores of the Madagascar coral reefs.
  3. Artisanal kombucha
    Let's ferment some perfectly good tea by placing it in the damp environment of a dark, humid room and then tell people that it's good for their health! Advocating for this stuff is a sure-fire way to alienate yourself from other humans.
  4. Artisanal hot dogs
    Placing the word "purveyors" somewhere in your restaurant's catch-phrase is not convincing me.
  5. Artisanal jam
    Put it in a mason jar and be sure to incorporate the flavors of fig and cracked pepper. Boom. Artisan. Done.
  6. Artisanal cheese paper
    Faith in humanity: gone.