ITEMS IN MY LUGGAGE THAT HAVE CAUSED ME TO BE PUBLICLY SHAMED BY TSA

  1. Fuzzy handcuffs
    En route to a friend's bachelorette party, these beauties were cause for the following uncomfortable comment made by TSA: "I bet you're gonna have some fun behind closed doors, little missy!"
  2. 4 hunks of beef brisket, frozen
    Seeing as this one place in Houston has the most fucking amazing brisket in the world, my brilliant plan was to bring some home for consumption over Christmas break. TSA halted my plan, though, and most likely thought I was a serial killer.
  3. Plastic flamingos
    They would be adorable in my backyard, so I tried to bring them home from Tallahassee. TSA confiscated them because the stakes could somehow be used as weaponry. I'm still bitter about this.
  4. Rabbit Vibrator™
    This little gem was identified as a threat while flying to Dallas with my mother and father, taken out of my carry-on, displayed for my parents to see, and then carefully placed on top of my nicely folded church clothes. Thanks, TSA!
  5. Mars Bar wrapped in a cell phone charger
    I still have no idea how my cell phone charger and cell phone ended up right on top of the delicious Mars bar that I had stuffed in my carry on for the plane ride, but this odd pile of electronics and chocolate apparently fit the physical criteria for an organic bomb. Yikes. My B.
  6. 3.5oz container of lube
    Removed from my bag, identified as being .1oz over the limit, and thrown away in front of various businessmen on their way to Chicago, presumably. GOOD JOB DOIN YOUR JOB, TSA!
  7. Prosthetic hands
    During college I worked on a robotics/bioengineering project involving prosthetic limbs and sensory activation. I had to travel to a conference with the limbs themselves, and was questioned by TSA for a solid 30 minutes about the intended use of the hands. Chill down, TSA.
  8. FUCKING NAIL CLIPPERS
    Yup, I take full responsibility for this one. I totally forgot I packed those in my makeup bag. Sorry, TSA.