MY LIFE ACCORDING TO MASH VS. MY LIFE ACCORDING TO REALITY

The beauty of this childhood game is that you can play it over and over times infinity until you get your desired results. Let's see how this MASH list I saved from 5th grade and came across at my parents' home this weekend measures up to the reality of my current situation...
  1. MASH Husband: Aaron Carter
    Real life husband: HA HA HA HA HA. good one.
  2. MASH Car: pink convertible
    Real life car: forest green Acura, circa 2004. Some people call it 'old.' I prefer 'vintage.'
  3. MASH Location: Amazon Rain Forest
    Real life location: one-bedroom apartment in Houston, Texas. I don't live next to a river full of piranhas and a tree full of howler monkeys, but, due to Houston's absence of zoning restrictions, I DO live in between an elementary school and an adult video store. Almost as dangerous.
  4. MASH occupation: art critic
    Real life occupation: clinical ethicist/student/daughter/sister/friend. Still a critic of art, but one whose opinions are both unsolicited and unpaid.
  5. MASH children: 87
    Real life children: zero.
  6. MASH pets: 15 snails
    Real life pets: 1 golden retriever. Her name is Zoey, she is a fan of barbecue and Miller Lite, and she is supreme.
  7. MASH honeymoon: Mars
    Real life honeymoon: n/a. After seeing The Martian, though, I'm gonna take a hard pass at the idea of an extraterrestrial honeymoon.