TASKS AT WHICH I AM THE WORST

  1. Putting a new roll of toilet paper on the springy holder
    New rolls are stood up vertically atop the existing empty roll.
  2. Pronouncing the word "niche"
    Is it neesh? Nitch? Neech? Who knows? In the meantime, I'll just avoid it entirely.
  3. Sealing the package of Sargento sharp cheddar cheese slices after use
    Yeah, that shit stays wide open for easy access.
  4. Washing strands of hair down the shower drain
    I just stick them on the shower wall every goddam time.
  5. Completely filling the dishwasher before turning it on
    If it's halfway full, it needs to be run. This is wasteful, and this is the way it goes.
  6. Watching things in my Netflix queue
    Every time I prepare myself to watch a critically acclaimed drama, some new documentary about the depths of the ocean catches my eye instead.
  7. Listening to voicemails
    Oh, you left me a voicemail? DIDN'T LISTEN TO A SECOND OF IT. Repeat it for me now-in person-please.
  8. Talking to animals in a normal voice
    If you are a pet, prepare to be addressed with baby talk ONLY.
  9. Selecting the appropriately-sized container for leftovers
    The Goldilocks container evades me every. damn. time.
  10. Whisking eggs
    Maybe I have weak wrists? I can never achieve that ideal frothy mixed consistency.
  11. Telling Javier Bardem and Jeffrey Dean Morgan apart
    Still convinced it's actually the same person living two separate professional lives.
  12. Instinctively knowing what can and cannot be recycled
    Throwing away garbage consists of me staring at the garbage for about four minutes, and then resorting to Google for confirmation.
  13. Folding long-sleeved shirts
    Train wreck. Where the hell does the extra sleeve fabric go??
  14. Spooning
    I'm a drive-by spooner. Get in. Spoon. Go to my side of the bed. None of that falling asleep in the hot sweaty embrace of another human being nonsense.