Written 10/13/14
  1. My darkest fear is that one day I will wake up to the phone call from my mom.
  2. The phone call I have been half expecting, but always feel guilty about expecting.
  3. The phone call will be from my mom but her voice will be disjointed and guttural and scary,
  4. like when you were a little kid and she had to tell you that your cat was eaten by coyotes.
  5. And you know what she is going to say.
  6. She is going to tell you that your sibling is dead,
  7. that they killed themselves and that she found their cold bodies this morning.
  8. Sometimes the fear includes one sibling, sometimes the other.
  9. And it is the worst day of my life.
  10. And I will never recover.
  11. And I could have done something to prevent this.
  12. And I am a bad sister.
  13. And I am bad.
  14. And they are gone.
  15. And I will never get to see their eyes again,
  16. and they both have such nice eyes.
  17. And then the other will also go soon after because they are fragile and I cant stop them from doing it.
  18. And you wont do it to yourself because even though it seems like you're the type of person who commits to a thing, you wouldn't be able to commit to death.
  19. But you know you have that darkness in you because your blood is just as dark as theirs and you feel it.
  20. You can feel it.
  21. You feel the hot breath that would make it easy to slip away.