Inspired by @communistcasino (whose list is far better)
  1. Break the law.
    But just like, a little bit. Don't kill anyone (cough cough ROBERT DURST!), just like, break enough laws to get ahead in life.
  2. Be a straight, cis, white man.
    Plain and simple! Do you want to be successful or not?! Step up your game!
  3. Talk very loudly on the phone while in public.
    You don't even necessarily need to be talking to anyone. This is just to let other people know how important and successful you are.
  4. Consume as much raw egg as humanly possible (yes, just like Gaston).
    No brainer, really. I can't even tell you guys how often my consumption of raw eggs has catapulted me into success.
  5. Work on your handshake.
    Make it loose, clammy, and clasp both your hands around the other person's to ensure that they are more uncomfortable than they have ever been.
  6. Take credit for everything.
    Who cares if a more talented and creative person actually did something unique and thoughtful, you deserve the credit!
  7. Use these phrases OFTEN.
    "Not all men", "Sorry not sorry", "But I'm not privileged, I didn't get a pony when I was 10", "What was she wearing? Was she drinking?", "I'm not racist but...", "The struggle is real!" (this one is said when the "struggle" is most certainly not a struggle).