REASONS WHY IT'S MY DOG'S FAULT THAT I'M SINGLE

I love my dog Henry more than anything, but it's totally his fault that I'm single.
  1. He insisted on being walked. Multiple times a day.
    I was 24 when I got Henry, which was prime socializing time -- I should have been going to happy hour after work and meeting new people. Instead, I had to go straight home to walk him. This is past tense because now he doesn't really want to go on walks, plus I have a dog door.
  2. He had a problem with men.
    A major problem. He freaked out at any man who crossed his path, especially if said man was wearing a hat, riding a bike, tall, had dark hair, or was Hasidic (we lived in Hancock Park). He attacked my boss when I tried to bring him to work, @busyphilipps 's ex-boyfriend's brother, pretty much any male. Again, past tense because he doesn't care anymore.
  3. God forbid a man come into our house.
    This is immediate cause for a massive freak out. And when you can't bring a guy over and you can't sleep over at someone's house because you have to be home to walk the dog, it's hard to get past the first few dates. He's slightly better now, but still isn't cool with anyone spending the night.
  4. When you have the option of going on a date that will probably be terrible vs. staying at home with your dog, it isn't too hard of a decision.
    Dog wins.
  5. Now he's old.
    I've had Henry for 12 years, which means he's about 14 or 15 and I want to maximize our quality time. Plus I don't want to disrupt his routine by introducing a new human into his life.
  6. Fine. It's not him, it's me.
    But it's so much easier to blame the dog.