HUMANS AND THEIR CANDY ANALOGUES

My friend Michael, back in the 90s when we were all hanging out hardcore, developed a theory that everyone we know has an analogous candy. E.g. his sister Shira, who was sort of Patient X, was a marshmallow. Shira is silly and funny and a total pampered Jewish princess: ergo, a marshmallow. Then we had to decide what everyone else was.
  1. Michael = pez
    Although sometimes he thinks he may be hazelnut candy of some kind.
  2. Me = chocolate covered pretzel
    Michael: "duh."
  3. My husband = Juicy Fruit
    Just literally the best gum ever. Doesn't last that long so you have to have a lot of it. Wait, what?
  4. My 7yo daughter = butterscotch dosc
    Sweet but also a little salty. One of my top three candies.
  5. My 4yo son = pixie stick
    Just pure energy.
  6. My dad = box of Godiva chocolates
    Expensive and disorganized. Important to note that a box of Godiva usually comes with a sort of Rosetta Stone map of all the chocolates and what's in them. In the box that is my dad, this key has gone missing and you have to eat them all to find out what's inside.
  7. My co-show runner John = Mary Janes
    Difficult and gets stuck in your teeth. But I find them interesting and I can spend the whole day with one.
  8. My mom = Jolly Rancher
    We used to eat Jolly Ranchers on the school bus. I'd suck them down to a flat disc and then fold it over with my teeth. I don't know why my mom is a Jolly Rancher. I guess she's fairly malleable.
  9. My brother = donut
    He's a cop. So.
  10. This guy Dave at work = Combos
    Technically not a candy. But he's such a cheddar Combo it's not even funny.
  11. Phoebe = gummy rings
    Phoebe is small and cute with a ski jump nose. Everything she owns is kind of cute. Gummy rings are cute.
  12. Michal = Skor bar
    Michal just wrote a book of short stories that are based on Biblical stories about women told from the female point of view. It is an excellent book. She's a Skor bar because that is the most serious candy I can think of besides black licorice. I hate black licorice though, so I'm saving that for someone I hate, and I like Michal.
  13. Kenny = Three Musketeers
    Kenny and I work together. He is a delightful human being. I love being around him.
  14. Lindsay = cotton candy
    Lindsay works with us too. Pure sugar heaven.
  15. One more note. If you eat the candy that you are, it is cannibalism.
  16. Jon Bronson = salt water taffy