WHY GOOP DRIVES ME SO BATSHIT CRAZY

A lot of people who know me know that I have a special place in my cold black heart for Gwyneth Paltrow and her weekly dose of helpful advice known as goop which arrives in my in box - at my own bidding, as I voluntarily signed up to receive it - every Thursday.
  1. Goop and I are the exact same age.
    She's about three weeks younger than I am.
  2. So by rights, we are "peers." Which means I have a natural tendency to compare myself to her, like, where are you in your life and where am I, and what is the same (we are women) and what is different (everything else, pretty much).
  3. Goop did one semester at UC Santa Barbara. I'm not saying she didn't get an education. I'm just saying... maybe she's not an academic powerhouse.
  4. Exhibit A: her grammar.
  5. Her fucking grammar! IT KILLS ME. It's a mess. A pretentious yet ignorant mess.
  6. She's completely freewheeling with semicolons and commas. There are rules of style, and she just does not give a shit. Absolutely zero shits is what she gives.
  7. Why? Because she doesn't need to. She is tall, blonde, talented, and by all accounts a fun and interesting person and I guess a good cook, based on how much she blathers on about cooking organic this and that and feeding her kids homemade falafel, which is something you absolutely do not need to make at home. She doesn't need to follow rules.
  8. (My kids eat dino nuggets. What are those? Chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs. Fuck off.)
  9. Who cares if her grammar is atrocious? She's Gwyneth! Everyone will listen to her anyway.
  10. She has all this experience and knowledge and she just wants to share that with people who want to be like her. Who ASPIRE to be like her. Because people are always asking her, oh where should eat in Paris? Where should I get a bikini wax in Umbria? Here's an idea. Get a bikini wax before you go to Umbria. That's Foxy advice for you right there.
  11. Meanwhile, I can basically do one thing: I can write. I'm not the best, but my grammar is tight, and I know that "restive" actually means "restless" and not "restful."
  12. Writing is my only marketable skill. It is the ONLY thing I can do. I don't like when people who can ALREADY DO EVERYTHING PERFECTLY decide to horn in on my territory. I have this one thing and you have so much. Go away.
  13. [Silent scream] She just kind of waltzed over and was like, "oh, writing looks fun! I want to write! I have things to say!" She is a terrible writer. Sure, I could unsubscribe to goop, but there's a certain witchy joy in accounting for her egregious grammatical errors every week. Like watching mud wrestling. It's gross but I can't look away.
  14. Do you think Blythe despises her?
  15. Do you think Jennifer Lawrence is really dating Chris Martin? Like what's in it for her? I don't get it. He seems like a washout.
  16. Somehow goop always manages to come across in interviews as amazingly clueless and smug. These are the two qualities I like least in a person. False humility also drives me insane and she's a specialist in that area.
  17. Get a bikini wax in Beverly fucking Hills. How long are you in Umbria? Do you live there now? Are you Catherine Zeta-Jones?
  18. Where should you eat in Paris? ANY FUCKING RESTAURANT. They're all good.
  19. Oh, and I love when she tries to acknowledge that the unwashed masses are on a budget. Here are the white culottes SHE will buy, and here's a budget alternative. Oh, THANK YOU, lady with $100 million and her own Picasso. Culottes are hideous.
  20. It was actually more fun before she hired a copy editor. Now it's a little more polished. But it's still kind of a mess.
  21. People always say I would like her if I met her.
  22. I wouldn't.
  23. And anyway, what fun would that be?