THINGS AN EX BOYFRIEND COMPARED ME TO

A former partner of mine has a way with words. We're still friends, or, you know, whatever, so hopefully this goes over well. Whenever I comment on some of the garbage he spouts, he starts his (fairly good) Trump impersonation, declaring that he has the "best metaphors." Just keep in mind that this is the type of person we're talking about.
  1. IKEA Furniture
    More than likely pertaining to my emotional state. This one, I remember, made me laugh loudly because there was something mentioned abut trying to figure out how to assemble me.
  2. Quicksand
    Can't recall the story of this one, so take it as you will.
  3. Medusa
    This was a hair joke, which also had the sentence "sorry kids, daddy impregnated Medusa" next to it. Once again, no recollection (might be a good thing.)
  4. A baseball game snack with a little something extra
    "You're like a box of Cracker Jacks with a cyanide surprise inside."
  5. An ill-fitting shoe
    Attempting to describe why our relationship ended. "You love the shoes, they're great, but you're a size seven and they're a size five." Poignant, but couldn't be more accurate.