Never Open Mail Not Addressed to You: A Cautionary Tale

Alternate title: The Fathers' Day Package
  1. So here's the situation
  2. I was 16, Fathers' Day was right around the corner.
  3. I had been working at the McDonald's down the street for a few months now so I had some actual money saved up.
  4. I wanted get my dad a nice gift to show my love and appreciation.
    I am an excellent daughter.
  5. As did my two other sisters.
  6. We agree we'll all go in together for a nice gift.
  7. My dad really enjoys camping.
  8. We decide to order him this really nice collapsible camping chair from Amazon.
    Idk it seemed like a good idea.
  9. My older sister, being the older sister, uses her card and information to order the chair.
    I just give her my portion of the cost in cash.
  10. Now listen I'm feeling reaalll excited about this gift.
    This is the first year I've been able to spend some money on a gift. None of that bullshit handmade crap I'd been giving him for yesteryear's Fathers' Day.
  11. The confirmation email my sister receives says to expect the package in five days.
  12. But I've been burned before. I know the date Amazon tells you you is almost never the date it actually arrives.
  13. So when three days later an unmarked package addressed to my sister arrives in the mail I OF COURSE assume it is the chair.
    I was thrilled to have been the one to discover it in the mail. That would mean I would get to wrap it up all pretty.
  14. Looking back I should have known.
  15. I shouldn't have been so foolish.
  16. The package was one of those sturdy envelopes lined with bubble wrap.
    Not even a card board box!!
  17. There is NO WAY a chair could have fit in that envelope.
    But I was eager and naive. I wanted my father to be proud of the work I had been doing. I wanted him to be proud that I was making money on my own. I could afford these luxurious gifts!
  18. And so I tore open the unassuming brown envelope right down the middle, ripping the shipping label, spilling its contents onto my lap
  19. And out falls—
  20. A mother fucking dildo.
  21. My 16 year old virginal brain panics.
    I had never seen a dildo before! Oh god what have I done?!
  22. In my panic all I can think to do is shove the dildo and the torn envelope under my bed before I have to head to my shift at the McDonald's down the street.
  23. I spend the entire shift dodging grease splatters and contemplating what to do with the dildo.
    Do I fess up? Do I admit that not only did I commit a federal crime in opening another person's mail, but that I also intruded on a very private matter of her life????
  24. What if she looks under my bed?
    I'm getting real paranoid at this point.
  25. What if my father loses his car keys and he decides to tear apart the whole house looking for them and decides to check under my bed and finds it?
    These are all thoughts I legitimately had.
  26. Ultimately, I let the dildo sit under my bed for two whole days, unsure what to do with it.
  27. But I realized that she was bound to notice her *ahem* package hadn't arrived yet. She would become suspicious.
    I had to act.
  28. In the end I just went to the dollar store and bought some packing tape.
  29. And I did a hack job taping the envelope back together, contents carefully placed back inside.
    The envelope was so clearly damaged.
  30. But I had no other choice.
  31. I slipped the envelope into her room when I knew she wasn't home.
  32. And when she got back I told her that a package had come for her and that I had dropped it off in her room.
    I couldn't even look her in the eye.
  33. Despite never having prayed in my life, I prayed that day that she would just assume the envelope was damaged during shipping from whatever dildo factory it came from to our front step.
    And not that her sixteen year old sister had secretly hid the dildo under her bed for two days straight.
  34. She never did mention the damaged packaging to me.
  35. But I think maybe she knew.
  36. I wouldn't know though. I've never asked her.
  37. The following day another package arrived on the doorstep addressed to her. It has that signature Amazon tape holding it shut.
  38. It was much larger than the envelope she received a few days prior.
  39. I take the package and I set it in her room and leave.
  40. And then I sent her a text letting her know she got something in the mail.