STUFF MY RELATIVES HAVE ARGUED ABOUT AT THANKSGIVING AND WHO WON

  1. One old guy I don't know started an argument with my grandfather over which branch of the military could keep more immigrants out of our country
    Winner: extremely racist and fairly offensive comments do not a winner make
  2. Two of my aunts fought over whether or not one of the pies someone brought was store-bought and passed off to look homemade
    Winner: me. I ate the pie and it was so good I didn't care where it came from
  3. A couple distant aunts and uncles fought over who should be the designated driver for the night
    Winner: everyone but Judy
  4. All the cousins argued over who was the best cousin
    Winner: Zoe was voted best cousin with a sounding majority
  5. My grandmother and all 5 of my aunts got in a fight over who would get their Nana's china someday
    Winner: all of their husbands who disappeared to drink while they were preoccupied
  6. My aunts argued over who had gained the most weight
    Winner: literally nobody