Inspired by the granddaddy MySpace Tom of, @bjnovak
  1. I am the owner of a late night drunk-food restaurant in a bustling Midwestern college town.
    We serve nachos with literally anything on them and a variety of milkshakes. I am an alumnus of the college and am happy to have stayed, despite how old I feel at 30 and my guilt over my vital role in the drunk experiences of young people. Truth is, I love the kids and would rather be nowhere else. At least my cheese sauce is absorbing all that alcohol.
  2. I am an unknown Hollywood actress who has recently begun an affair with a powerful producer.
    I have been in LA four years and my career hasn't taken off yet. My married boyfriend keeps me around due to my uncomplicated role in his life, despite my penchant for histrionics. In my mind, we are in love. I am planning on getting pregnant.
  3. I am a yoga instructor in Oahu.
    I have the cutest baby and husband, and I post them all over Instagram. I have a trust fund that foots the bill for everything, but I work hard to convey on social media how little I work at all. No one in my social circle has the balls to tell me my social media presence is fake and obnoxious. I wouldn't care anyway; I am building my brand. I eat mostly vegan, except for CHEAT MEAL, the only twenty minutes a week I feel true joy.
  4. I am a lioness on the savannah.
    I am an apex predator. I stalk springbok with my sisters, our eyes ablaze in the night. My husband sleeps 20 hours a day, but he is a competent enough father. We snuggle after dinner. He licks the blood clean off my mouth.