WHY I DONT LIKE MY COUSIN WHOSE WEDDING IM GOING TO IN CHICAGO TOMORROW

I'm currently in Chicago to attend my cousin Thomas' wedding. here's why I don't like him:
  1. he's short
    which makes me nervous bc I hate being reminded that guys can be so short.
  2. he wrote me a mean bat mitzvah card
    I know I was spoiled brat at age 12 but getting a card that read "what do you get the girl who has everything?" from your 20 year old cousin wasn't really ideal!
  3. he is marrying a girl named Jade
    no explanation necessary
  4. he makes dumb comments on my Facebook status
    that are embarrassing
  5. he went to a better college than me
    #Pomona
  6. his mom's name is Francine
    no blood relation to her
  7. the hotel were all staying at doesn't have a pool
    dude, it's mem day. come on.