Absurd questions my moms friends ask me when I visit home + my sarcastic, internal monologue.

As I prepare to leave the epitome of high class suburbia for college, Brooklyn and real conversation: I will call to mind all the house-wives whom expect me to be Carrie Bradshaw 24/7 and tell them stories to feed said Bradshaw image.
  1. Do you have a boy waiting for you when you go back to New York?
    Yes, New York is only for woman seeking men. I'm only visiting ohio to practice false purity and make him want me more. I told him to stay exactly where he was when I left. I made him stop living life, call me every hour and log his sexual urges for other women.
  2. Is nightlife crazy in New York?
    So crazy. But only if you hire the right escort service and RENT shoes you would never buy. My favorite thing to do is go crazy at night. It's not like I have school or real friends. My job is to party when the sun sets!!
  3. Is the food so good in New York or what?
    It smells amazing, but I don't eat. Are you crazy? All my money goes towards clear alcohol and shopping!! I can't eat carbs!!
  4. If you can survive in New York, you can survive anywhere!
    Really? Because last time I checked, young, strong, smart, capable men and woman die every day in Uganda from circumstantial dehydration.
  5. Is shopping so much better in New York? I bet!
    Oh yes, fellow trophy woman. 88% sales tax really adds to the adrenaline of my daily shopping outings in Manhattan. I skip valuable class time to spend money at the same stores you have here!
  6. How do you get around in the city?
    Broomstick! Duh!
  7. Do you ever feel lost in the crowds?
    Yes!! You know, uptown we call it a Whore maze instead of a corn maze. Ah I love the concrete jungle. Come visit.