Lies My Best Friends Tell

I love my friends dearly, but they are big fat liars half the time (I am too so we're lucky we found each other). Here are some of my personal faves.
  1. "I am so over xxx!"
    No, you're not. When we can go one day without bringing up his name at least five times, then I'll believe you.
  2. "I didn't sleep at all last night!"
    A half lie. You didn't sleep because you didn't try and now you're telling everyone because you think it makes you sound? Edgy? Conflicted? I'm not sure what our other friends are supposed to think about it, but I'm not giving up my beauty sleep to seem tormented.
  3. "I was so drunk last night!"
    This applies to only one of them. I don't think she's ever had more than one beer at a party (good for her honestly). But that doesn't stop her from acting like she finished the keg single handedly.
  4. "I get 100% on all the quizzes and I'm brain dead!"
    This is a very specific (kinda offensive) quote one of them said a few days ago. I included it because a) she spends more hours in the library than anyone I know and b) it got this gem of a responsive from one of our guy friends: "that is the biggest humble brag I've ever heard."
  5. "I'm really chill!"
    This one actually makes me laugh because they are the least chill people I've ever met. I'm basically the Ben Wyatt to their Leslie Knope's
  6. "Let's go off campus and have an adventure!"
    Nothing fun or adventurous ever happens when you walk off campus. Fact.
  7. The white girl lies: "I'm getting so fat, I ate way too much last night, etc."
    My eyes roll into the back of my head (even though I'm equally guilty).