THINGS MY PARENTS WANT ME TO BE AFRAID OF

Many of which, I am now actually afraid of.
  1. 1.
    Falling to my death off a balcony at a party because it's structurally unsound and too many people are on it
    It happens!
  2. 2.
    Having no one to take care of me when I'm old
    If I continue on my current dream path of remaining unmarried and childless (and eventually becoming a cool elderly lady who lives in the west village, spending her days seeing foreign films and sipping espresso)
  3. 3.
    Unprotected oral sex
    My mom would like all of you to use condoms for blowjobs...but I know you won't. 😷
  4. 4.
    Plastic
  5. 5.
    Unfiltered water
  6. 6.
    Sugar
  7. 7.
    Sugar alcohols
  8. 8.
    Fake sugar
  9. 9.
    Gluten
    Yeah, yeah, yeah. jokes jokes jokes.
  10. 10.
    Wheat
  11. 11.
    Dairy
  12. 12.
    Soy
  13. 13.
    While at a restaurant, leaving your bag hanging off the back of your chair or if you're outside, resting on the street side of the table
    It will be stolen
  14. 14.
    Not looking behind you before putting your key in your apartment door
    Someone is probably following you
  15. 15.
    Not having enough money/being in debt
  16. 16.
    Having more than one alcoholic beverage
  17. 17.
    Appearing nude on camera
    My parents are quite certain that the only outcome of this would be a horrifying tumblr devoted to documenting my breasts...they are cool with nudity on the stage, however. Because it's ephemeral!
  18. 18.
    Scented candles
    Apparently carcinogenic
  19. 19.
    The sun
  20. 20.
    Injuring myself now and having it impact my body for the rest of my life
  21. 21.
    Not being warm enough
    The main fear Jewish parents have for their kids?