REASONS YOU DIDN'T KISS ME LAST NIGHT (ACCORDING TO MY CRAZY BRAIN)
Sorry for two lists in a row about mackin' on dudes, but I see the words "beta testing" and interpret that as "use this as your diary Emma, only @john will see"
- •You were comparing me to pregnant Rosie Huntington-WhiteleyI shouldn't have suggested we see Mad Max, this one's on me. 2 hours of watching five hot babes looking hella fertile and exfoliated doesn't make me, pale, allergy ridden, wearing Disney 3D glasses look that bone-able.
- •I wore my hair in a ponytailYou hadn't seen my hair up before and finally realized that you have, on various occasions, penetrated a pin-head
- •We didn't buy movie snacksWe share a love for movies. We talked about this. The whole experience is sacred- so my being late, forcing us to miss the trailers (THE BEST PART) and not allowing for time to make the right snack choices? What a dumb bitch. Forget not getting kissed, I should be put to death.
- •The pollen!About ten minutes before you got in my car I was smacked in the face by spring. One nostril (the side with my dumb nose ring) immediately filled up and every ounce of moisture was sucked out of my eye balls. This most likely gave me the look and personality of the crypt keeper. Not kissable.
- •You were scaredI find this to be the least plausible, but my friends insist. "He's freaked out that he actually likes you! Kisses after dates are scary!" They say. Sure, but I feel that if you've seen someone's butt in the capacity and style in which he's seen my butt, that fear may dissipate. But I dunno, maybe I'm old fashioned.
- •You remembered that you are, and always have been, disgusted by meThis is the reason my brain will land on. Forget the other nights, the conversations we have had--seeing me out in the world and not smoking at a party revealed my true, repulsive person.
- •He had a brain aneurismShit happensSuggested by @tayloranngoodman