TERRIBLE THINGS I HAVE DONE

  1. Fell asleep during Hotel Rwanda
  2. Peed in every single body of water I've ever been submerged in
  3. Choked on my gum during a first communion and coughed it into the hair of the woman sitting in front of me; didn't tell her
  4. Compared Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling's break up to the JFK assassination
  5. Stopped kissing a man and promptly left mid-engagement because his phone started playing an Avicii song