THE DAY OF A 20 YEAR OLD MONSTER

  1. Wake up so hungover you can feel it in your recently pedicure-d toenails
  2. Puke in the shower
  3. Wonder if you're pregnant
  4. Go to the doctor, get loaded up on pills
    TRAZODONE, CITALOPRAM, CIPROFLOXACIN FOR MY UTI
  5. Wonder if the urine sample you just gave will be tested for pregnancy
  6. Go to Walgreens to get your drugs
  7. Feel a terrible pain in your lower back while standing in the pharmacy line
  8. Wonder if you're pregnant with the devil
  9. Faint and subsequently puke in the Walgreens line
  10. Call your doctor, find your UTI spread to your kidneys
    The antibiotics will help
  11. Go pick up your dude
  12. Still feel sick while trying to act fun and flirty since you only have a week left with him
  13. Accidentally invite him to dinner with your parents
  14. Almost crash your car when he responds with "that sounds really boyfriend-y"
  15. Explain, at a red light, through tears, that you guys aren't following "a boyfriend/girlfriend trajectory"
    This is true
  16. End this important conversation by saying "I need a beer"
  17. Go to a bar
  18. Drink a beer
    I'm not supposed to do that with all the drugs in my body
  19. Take your boy to dinner with your family
  20. Feel like barfing the whole time
  21. Go for a walk with your boy
    We both needed to go outside. He smoked a cigarette and I just kept saying "I'm so tired"
  22. Come home
  23. Bring boy upstairs
    He sleeps at your house because he doesn't have a home right now.
  24. Watch vines with him
    More shameful than doing heroin tbh
  25. Make him rub your head while you watch Grimes music videos
  26. Have sex
  27. Ask him while he's so smiley
  28. Watch The Office
    Creed is our favorite. We hate Jim and Pam.
  29. Wake up early the next morning
  30. Return some texts
  31. When he starts to get dressed say "wait, you should not get dressed yet" through sleepy eyes and a dry mouth
  32. Have sex again
    "Are you awake?" "Yes dude!" "Do you consent to this?" "Yes dude! Want me to sign something?" "Kind of!" This joke happens every morning we're together and I love it
  33. Wonder if you're pregnant while he tries to fit his skateboard in his backpack
  34. Walk him downstairs
  35. Make plans you know won't come to fruition
  36. Skip your therapy session to take a shower and think about how he kissed you an hour ago
  37. Puke in the shower
  38. Wonder if you're pregnant
  39. Get ready for a new day
    You're going to a show. You won't miss him. Even though he isn't texting you back. You just saw him. Pray your fake ID isn't taken tonight.