THINGS THE CONSULATE IS DOING WITH MY PASSPORT INSTEAD OF RETURNING IT TO ME

  1. Reading it as a small, sad book of a young woman who has traveled a minimal amount and does not photograph well
  2. Editing it with VSCO to prove to their Instagram followers that they are on a European adventure
  3. Assuming my identity in a quest to flee the country after the republican debate
  4. Testing stamps at Michael's before they commit to buying them for use in the family scrapbook
  5. Trying to use the small picture and minimal statistics provided to cast the actress who will in 50 years play me in my biopic
  6. Contemplating how the quotes and faint background pictures represent the complex understanding of Americanism we have in the 21st century
  7. Using it as makeshift toilet paper in the office bathroom
  8. Attempting an extremely high stakes version of the message in a bottle
  9. Straight up torturing me