ADVICE TO MY CHILDHOOD SELF

Ah, birthdays. A time for reflection and celebration. But not for me, because one is not allowed to have fun in this country until they are twenty-one. Freest country in the world my ass. Anyway, here's what I've learned in my nineteen years of life.
  1. Boys probably won't talk to you unless you're blonde.
    That's why we have hair dye!
  2. You are your own worst critic.
    Other people will also criticize you all the time! But you might not suck as much as you think you do. You still suck. Just not to the degree you may believe.
  3. No one cares where you buy your clothes.
    This goes out to middle school me who thought wearing Abercrombie was the only way to get ahead in life.
  4. You can just read the sparknotes and still write a good essay.
    Prioritizing is key.
  5. Not everyone will like you.
    Lots of people will hate you. Will you care? Probably. Should you care? Probably not.
  6. Start networking when you're five!
    Even earlier, if you can form coherent sentences. Your degree is a joke so you need to find friends in high places and fast.
  7. Write way more.
    If you had written for three hours a day every day since you were 9 you would easily be at 10,000 hours by now. Then instead of writing this list that no one will read, I could be writing my Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech!!