PROM NIGHT 2014!!!1!!

The story of my junior prom. No masked serial killers, sorry.
  1. I didn't really want to go to prom.
    I hate dances on the grounds that I am uncoordinated and unsexy, making hopping up and down and/or gyrating solid nos for me.
  2. I didn't even have a date.
    I assumed no one would ask me because I was a dweeb, and you can't go if no one asks you. A perfect plan to evade corsages and stairway to heaven.
  3. But then someone asked me.
    A nice nerd boy asked me a couple weeks before, and even though I didn't want to prom, I also didn't want to reject a nice nerd who just wanted to party.
  4. Which meant I had to buy a dress.
    Prom dresses are hella expensive. I wanted to go all out and get this gorgeous replica of a dress Stacey Kiebler wore to the Oscars (George Clooney's supermodel girlfriend from 2012) but I couldn't get it shipped in time.
  5. With time running out, I had to make a quick decision.
    I bought a $99 black one-shoulder gown with a huge slit up to the hip. You know, like what Angelina Jolie wore to the Oscars and everyone made fun of her for sticking her leg out.
  6. Except I'm no Angelina.
    As a sexless potato, the dress just looked like a black sheet on me.
  7. I wanted a smokey eye to enhance the look.
    I enlisted the help of a friend to transform my pasty face into a Tyra Banks smize fest.
  8. But I was a hopeless case.
    Despite her best efforts, I couldn't handle the aesthetic, and looked more like I had been punched in the face.
  9. Pre-prom was definitely awk.
    Prom couples are supposed to have this moment where the boy gives the girl a corsage and the girl gracefully pins the boutonnière on the boy's lapel and then someone takes a candid picture of her looking focused and beautiful as she pins it and then she makes it her profile picture on Facebook.
  10. Except I didn't know how to do that.
    I wiki-howed "how to pin a boutonnière" in preparation of the event, but I still couldn't figure it out and got really flustered and my friend Maggie had to do it for me.
  11. When we got to the venue, it was pouring.
    I didn't really care that much about this and it didn't really change much but I'm including it for dramatic effect.
  12. And we had to wait a while for dinner.
    Each table sat eight people, which meant we went to the buffet in waves. While my table was waiting, they decided to play Never Have I Ever, a game where the basic point is to brag about how sexually experienced you are. I hate this game because it forces me to publicly remind everyone of how much of a virgin I am.
  13. After we ate, it was time to dance the night away!!
    As Taylor Swift blasted through the speakers, I tried to find anywhere to be other than the dance floor. This meant chatting with people I didn't know that well who remained at the tables, or going to the bathroom fifty times to "fix my lipstick." My lipstick was perfect. I do a great Cupid's bow.
  14. I was thrilled when my friends finally decided it was time to go.
    It was the best part of the night. I didn't need a limo. Maggie's Prius was a welcome sight.
  15. We did not attend an after party where I could use alcohol to make my life fun.
    Every event that my nerdly friends and I organized was as dry as a desert in August during a severe drought. We watched Mean Girls and were reminded seventy times to "keep it down, guys" as not to bother the host's parents.
  16. I was home by midnight.
    If I were Cinderella I would not have even have had to rush. Those shoes would have stayed on my feet.
  17. Real pic of me being awkward.
    Apologies to Dave who had to be photographed with a socially inept ghost.