PROM NIGHT 2014!!!1!!
The story of my junior prom. No masked serial killers, sorry.
- •I didn't really want to go to prom.I hate dances on the grounds that I am uncoordinated and unsexy, making hopping up and down and/or gyrating solid nos for me.
- •I didn't even have a date.I assumed no one would ask me because I was a dweeb, and you can't go if no one asks you. A perfect plan to evade corsages and stairway to heaven.
- •But then someone asked me.A nice nerd boy asked me a couple weeks before, and even though I didn't want to prom, I also didn't want to reject a nice nerd who just wanted to party.
- •Which meant I had to buy a dress.Prom dresses are hella expensive. I wanted to go all out and get this gorgeous replica of a dress Stacey Kiebler wore to the Oscars (George Clooney's supermodel girlfriend from 2012) but I couldn't get it shipped in time.
- •With time running out, I had to make a quick decision.I bought a $99 black one-shoulder gown with a huge slit up to the hip. You know, like what Angelina Jolie wore to the Oscars and everyone made fun of her for sticking her leg out.
- •Except I'm no Angelina.As a sexless potato, the dress just looked like a black sheet on me.
- •I wanted a smokey eye to enhance the look.I enlisted the help of a friend to transform my pasty face into a Tyra Banks smize fest.
- •But I was a hopeless case.Despite her best efforts, I couldn't handle the aesthetic, and looked more like I had been punched in the face.
- •Pre-prom was definitely awk.Prom couples are supposed to have this moment where the boy gives the girl a corsage and the girl gracefully pins the boutonnière on the boy's lapel and then someone takes a candid picture of her looking focused and beautiful as she pins it and then she makes it her profile picture on Facebook.
- •Except I didn't know how to do that.I wiki-howed "how to pin a boutonnière" in preparation of the event, but I still couldn't figure it out and got really flustered and my friend Maggie had to do it for me.
- •When we got to the venue, it was pouring.I didn't really care that much about this and it didn't really change much but I'm including it for dramatic effect.
- •And we had to wait a while for dinner.Each table sat eight people, which meant we went to the buffet in waves. While my table was waiting, they decided to play Never Have I Ever, a game where the basic point is to brag about how sexually experienced you are. I hate this game because it forces me to publicly remind everyone of how much of a virgin I am.
- •After we ate, it was time to dance the night away!!As Taylor Swift blasted through the speakers, I tried to find anywhere to be other than the dance floor. This meant chatting with people I didn't know that well who remained at the tables, or going to the bathroom fifty times to "fix my lipstick." My lipstick was perfect. I do a great Cupid's bow.
- •I was thrilled when my friends finally decided it was time to go.It was the best part of the night. I didn't need a limo. Maggie's Prius was a welcome sight.
- •We did not attend an after party where I could use alcohol to make my life fun.Every event that my nerdly friends and I organized was as dry as a desert in August during a severe drought. We watched Mean Girls and were reminded seventy times to "keep it down, guys" as not to bother the host's parents.
- •I was home by midnight.If I were Cinderella I would not have even have had to rush. Those shoes would have stayed on my feet.
- •Real pic of me being awkward.Apologies to Dave who had to be photographed with a socially inept ghost.