1. Dean has had three failed marriages since Lindsey. Rory wants nothing to do with him. Fuck Dean.
  2. Rory is a political correspondent who takes down airhead conservatives on national TV, like the way Jake Tapper tries to. She also has a popular blog for her creative work under a cool pen name.
  3. Loreali and Luke are happily married, but have no children. Children are always a drag.
  4. The menu and setup of Luke's Diner remains exactly the same.
  5. Lane is a proud mother of her twins, and has released three well received folk CDs. Zach takes care of the kids while Lane is on tour.
  6. Mrs. Kim has married a nice Korean man who helps out around Kim's Antiques. They have a quiet but happy life.
  7. Sookie has her own Food Network show with a punny title.
  8. I don't really care what Jackson's doing.
  9. Jess has published a few more novels. He's respected in hipster circles. Rory hears about his success one morning when Terri Gross is interviewing him on NPR. They run into each other in New York, and have a nostalgic conversation. He tells Rory that he always loved her, but they both know that they could never build a life together.
  10. Logan has a super successful company and is still super rich and hot but this time without the influence of his asshat dad.
  11. Rory proposes to LOGAN because she's a feminist and it turns the tables and they get married and have a dope wedding where Finn gives a hilarious best man speech.
  12. Emily is heartbroken that Richard died but she is still fierce as ever. She has fifty maids and has designed her own line of tennis skirts.
  13. The Dragonfly Inn is flourishing, and Loreali contemplates leaving it to a spunky young manager who reminds her of herself in her youth.
  14. Rory, Loreali, and Emily have a Friday night dinner with laughs, tears, and snide comments.
  15. Michel is married to a Ralph Lauren model named Claude.
  16. Paris is a hotshot lawyer and she's friends with Hillary Clinton. She travels around the world and has a mousy assistant that she always screams at.
  17. Doyle writes for the New Yorker. He and Paris have a power marriage and are super rich. If they have kids, the kids have a 24/7 nanny.
  18. Kirk and LuLu got married and have a kids named Lirk and KuKu. Kirk's mom is still alive at age 104.
  19. Babette and Maury run a mom and pop gnome store.
  20. Taylor is dead.
  21. Ms. Patty is the new mayor of Stars Hollow and the town meetings now include impromptu salsa lessons.
  22. The elusive last four words are elegant and beautiful and witty yet simple and make me cry.