I'm aware there are plenty of downsides to getting older, but I still secretly think I was made to be retired. Only 45+ years to go!
  1. I'd most likely be married/divorced/widowed at that point
    Regardless it's a win because I could skip past everything that dating entails. No more awkward is-this-flirting-or-not flirting, being set up by well-meaning friends, or having your hair smelled by sleazy guys in sleazy bars. I could let myself go, big time.
  2. I'd wear a muumuu every day
    F*ck a skinny jean, this has been my dream since that Simpsons episode where homer gets obese in order to work at home (coincidentally another dream scenario. Only joking... Sort of). Pair with a non-optional golf cap.
  3. Menopause
    Don't get me wrong, I don't think "going through the change" would be fun, I've watched Mrs. Doubtfire. I'm talking afterwards. Being of reproductive age is a hassle I for many reasons could live without.
  4. I could have cocktails at noon
    As an adult, day-drinking means you're an alcoholic, as an octogenarian you're just having fun. Best enjoyed on your Florida porch with your best friend Rose while gossiping about our bingo friends.
  5. I wouldn't have to be tired all the time
    I'm an insomniac who frequently can't stay awake through the whole day. In retirement I could take naps without judgment, and they say your need for sleep decreases with age, so I wouldn't be as tired in the morning.
  6. I could get a dog
    Probably not a cat because the suckers live forever and mr whiskers might outlive me. It would be my best friend and a way for me to lure my grandchildren into visiting.
  7. I could speak my mind
    Old people just don't care anymore
  8. I would finally have the time to pursue my true passions, like keeping up with my Bravo shows
    There are just too many Real Housewives
  9. Basically, I wish my life was like the Golden Girls.