Because I don't want to infringe on the "Thoughts of a" trademark. This was an emotional roller coaster
  1. I've never had a massage before but I figured I would try while I'm on vacation. She told me to go inside the curtain and get ready, all good so far
    I'm ballin' on a budget and it's too expensive at home - all those gosh darn unions and labor standards.
  2. Clothes off, right...? Do I take off my bra...? Is it weirder to have a stranger potentially have to take off my bra or to just ASSUME nudity - is that creepy?
  3. Okay, clothes off, face in hole. They said it would take 10 minutes, am I just supposed to lie here with my face in the hole? I kinda wanna lie on my elbows but I might look like a pervert trying to peek at the others naked
    It's just my mom and sister but why isn't there a curtain between us right now
  4. Aaaaaand she moved my underwear halfway off my butt
  5. I really would usually like to be wined and dined before someone gets on top of me and starts greasing me up
  6. She's talking to the other massage therapist in Thai - what if they're talking about me? Am I being weird? Do I smell? I showered an hour ago
  7. What if the massage therapists keep a Mean Girls-style burn book about their clients
    " user Emma made me take her bra off and had weird tan lines" no they don't shut up
  8. What do I do with my hands? Do I keep them on the table or hanging off? What do I usually do with my arms?
    I feel like Will Ferrell's character in Talladega Nights when he didn't know what to do with his arms in an interview
  9. People say this is relaxing but so far it's the most stressful experience of my life
  10. Is it really just me not being able to relax when a stranger is rubbing oil on my upper butt cheeks???
  11. I hope she doesn't put this oil stuff in my hair, I washed it yesterday and I'm not intending on doing it again for another 5 days
    I trained my scalp god damn it!
  12. Nope, it's in my hair. Hope everyone in my immediate vicinity is ready for me to serve some greasy Severus Snape realness
  13. She's grabbing my legs now and I haven't shaved them in a couple of days - I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BACK MASSAGE
    Poor woman. This is definitely going in te burn book.
  14. I am 99% sure she just ripped my neck muscle clean off
  15. If she's grabbing my hand am I supposed to grab it back? Is it weirder to hold hands with the woman giving me a massage or to just let it hang limp?
  16. The more she presses the more my boobs hurt lying against this table
  17. They really should have boob indentations on these
  18. Now she's in my upper arms - I'm pretty sure my armpits have got a bit of stubble to them too
    I was not adequately prepared for this massage experience!!!
  19. Whatever you do... Don't you DARE laugh
  20. Oh no, now I'm giggling and I CANNOT stop
    Just get out of my armpit please
  21. I'm pretty sure it's physically impossible to turn around half-naked on a massage table and maintain some dignity and grace
  22. God I should have worn more full-coverage underwear what if something slips out as I turn
  23. Is she cracking my toes now? This little piggy went to the market, this little piggy— HURT LIKE A MOTHERF—-ER
  24. And my fingers. I could swear another set of hands just held my ring finger - is she showing my weird hands to the other massage therapist?
    In retrospect it may have been my manicure
  25. She's putting pressure on my upper thighs and now I can't even hide my grimace in the face hole
  26. God I miss the hole
  27. Holy shit what is that cold gloopy stuff she's putting on my chest?????
  28. I always wanted to go on Nickelodeon, at least now I know what it feels like to get slimed
  29. She just told me I was beautiful while massaging my face I take it all back I'm loving this
  30. I bet she thinks because I'm young I'm flexible joke's on her my joints are borderline geriatric
    She's stretching my back a bunch of directions I didn't even know it could stretch
  31. This woman officially knows me more intimately than everyone but a handful of people
  32. How do I even get off this thing
    Again, no grace
  33. How do I even get out? Do I just walk through this thi— NOPE A GUY IS CHANGING IN THERE ABORT MISSION ABORT