Or: Why I Stick to Fake Mustaches on Halloween
  1. Bleach Blonde Itchy Hippie Yoda (1980)
    Take one scratchy burlap potato sack, one cheap plastic bright blue Yoda mask, one bright blue shower cap with glued-on long white hair (think Edgar Winter), put together on one tall-for-his-age 10 year old boy, and watch the total discomfort in motion
  2. Superman vs the Leaf Monster (1979)
    The underoos and blue tights were spot-on, as were the recently-spray painted red boots; however, when the sticky boots came into contact with the wet fall leaves, the leaves decided to come along for the ride. By the end of trick-or-treating, I looked like I had been attacked by dual leaf piles, hanging on for their dear lives
  3. Hollywood Legend Robert Smith (2011)
    How hard could it be? Tease the hair, slap on copious amounts of red lipstick and dark eye shadow, and "voila": lead singer of The Cure and goth icon Robert Smith. You know who else wore a lot of makeup and was shaped like a defensive tackle in her later years? Elizabeth Taylor, who was a MUCH better match for me on that fateful evening.
  4. $5 Whore (1991)
    A word of advice: if you think it's a good idea to have a friend "make you up" after a full day of partying, at which point both of you are fighting the spins and good judgement... Rethink it. As a blonde with a denim jacket, fishnet stockings and Bozo-inspired makeup, I came off as the total trainwreck I was. Ah, college.
  5. Monk Ditka (2009)
    Fake mustache, cigar, sunglasses, and a brown robe = just plain stupid.