A FEW REASONS WHY I AM TEARING THIS CRAPPY RESORT A NEW ONE IN A TRIPADVISOR REVIEW

I'm not one for complaining about places. I like to champion things I like and not saying anything about the ones I don't. But I'm staying at an all-inclusive Caribbean resort so awful I'd hate for someone not to know what a lousy time they're signing up for. This beachfront purgatory calls itself a five star luxury resort out of irony, I surmise.
  1. Checking into the hotel, after 16 hours of travel to get here, took over 90 minutes.
    Our reservation was made six months ago, and somehow it was a total surprise that we were checking in today and therefore no rooms were ready.
  2. Sitting on my beach chair this morning, I was approached by 8 different resort employees trying to upsell me something: scuba trips, parasailing, spa treatments.
  3. I have to go to the front desk whenever I need something because the phones in my room don't work.
    The front desk people always make a point of telling me that I'm asking for something I should ask for on the phone. When I tell them my room phones don't work, they usually begrudgingly help, although one clerk made me call from the lobby phone for a call he ended up answering which ended up being memorable and bizarrely charming.
  4. Resort employees take up half the gym.
    This is weird, right? I got kicked off the elliptical after 20 minutes so one of the resort employees (with his name tag still on) could get his workout in. I wouldn't mind it so much if they didn't cheer each other on and clap while I'm just trying to find the energy to do bicep curls with my lazy arms.
  5. The gym manager yelled at me when I asked if all the guys in resort uniforms hanging out were, in fact, guests of the resort.
    Fine, my question was admittedly pretty dickish and snobby, but still, not fun to be yelled at while on a vacation for behavior that is not childish, dangerous or inappropriate.
  6. Bartender at the pool yelled at me for not giving him a tip when I got a cup of seltzer.
    He called me "amigo" with the sort of fury that I usually reserve for "asshole" or "fascist."
  7. No one working here will break a twenty so it's hard to even tip resort staff.
  8. The same crappy electronic lounge music plays on a loop in the restaurants and makes it feel like you're constantly about to board a Virgin America flight.
  9. The music by the pool is terrible, too, with no variety. I don't mind outdated club music from time to time but I've heard C+C Music Factory as well as The Black Eyed Peas' "I've Got A Feeling" at least once everyday. Can we get some early '80s jams or maybe some contemporary stuff too?
  10. The meals is glorified cafeteria food that Fodor's somehow claimed was delicious.
    Fodor's was wrong.
  11. Staff whistle and yell a lot with seemingly no concept that guests might be sleeping between midnight and 7:00am. They also unabashedly talk shit about guests like Spanish is a secret code that nobody understands.
  12. I told the front desk at 9am about the cockroach in my room and some guy woke me up at 11:30pm to spray for mosquitoes.
    At least this misunderstanding has slowed my accumulation of mosquito bites.
  13. The staff hitting on my younger sisters.
    Maybe I'm just being a good older brother or a decent human being by not raising a stink, but if I retained decent legal representation down here, I would've thrown a punch by now.
  14. Work trucks and golf carts speed so quickly down the roads and paths that guests often have to jump onto the grass to avoid being struck.
  15. My "Do Not Disturb" sign is often stolen off my door at night so that I wake up to someone coming to clean my room promptly at 8:30am.
  16. All the desserts are revolting.
    I'll admit the fresh fruit options are delicious: sliced mango, guava, pineapple, watermelon, etc. But holy crap, anything cookie or pastry related is heinous. The Napoleon was like trying to eat layers of boiled chicken skin.
  17. The WiFi is so weak that I needed to handle a work emergency back home from the hotel lobby. I'm not looking to stream Netflix, but I can't even email from my room.
    Maybe this just shows a flaw in me, in how dependent I am on the Internet but a lack of decent Internet access in most areas of the resort has been a continued annoyance.
  18. Got made fun of for being a Mets fan.
    "Fuck the Mets," the waiter greeted. "Hey," I told him. "The line for Shake Shack at Citi Field drives me nuts, too." But seriously, Jeurys Familia forever! #GoMets