1. It was announced yesterday that Obama is instilling new laws for overtime pay, leaving millions of Americans un-ironicly saying "Thanks, Obama!"
  2. Presidential candidate and life size troll doll, Donald Trump announced that he would reverse the Paris climate negotiations. Though, if Trump needs climate change proof, he needs to look no further than the barren wasteland that is his scalp.
  3. Researchers announced that the Zika virus may hit Europe this summer. Europeans aren't too concerned, however, stating that it's not nearly as bad as the plague hitting America this November.
  4. Presidential candidates will soon be briefed in classified information—leaving many concerned if Trump can maintain secrecy. The CIA plans to keep info secure by ensuring all briefings exceed 140 characters.
  5. Americans are growing concerned that Donald Trump will soon receive classified briefings. The CIA is reassuring us that candidates only receive a handful of information which, in Trump's case, is very little.