LATE NIGHT MONOLOGUE JOKES

I recently joined a writing group with fellow @ucbcomedy folks to workshop late night material, with the hopes of submitting packets to networks eventually. Every week, we're responsible to bring in a certain number of jokes to work on. This is what I'm submitting this week. (Be gentle. This is only my third time ever writing jokes like this!)
  1. 1.
    An investigation into Planned Parenthood led to an indictment of anti-abortion activists. When reached for comment, activists’ regret not having a Plan-B.
  2. 2.
    An investigation into Planned Parenthood led to the indictment of anti-abortion activists. If you ask me, it seems like one big pap smear campaign.
  3. 3.
    Only women turned up to run the senate, post-blizzard. It unfortunately won’t be the last time a woman is called frigid.
  4. 4.
    Mattel is introducing a new plus-size Barbie. Barbie, released as a businesswoman in 1963, and surgeon in 1972, looks forward to being body shamed in 2016.
  5. 5.
    Mattel plans to roll out Barbies with diverse bodies and skin tones. However, like the original, new dolls still won't receive equal pay.
  6. 6.
    3 inmates escaped prison by repelling off the roof using sheets. Experts claim this was a better strategy than the first attempt, yelling “Repunzle, Repunzle let down your long hair.”
  7. 7.
    A lizard found in a salad is being given a 2nd chance as a classroom pet. The lizard says he hopes for a 3rd chance as, “free."
  8. 8.
    Amazon is reporting great reviews for a Donald Trump erotic novel. With a main character like Trump, it promises to deliver a huge dick.
  9. 9.
    Bristol Palin wrote that Tina Fey’s impression of her mom is like “nails on a chalkboard.” So, in other words, a terrifyingly accurate portrayal.
  10. 10.
    This week 8 were charged for breaking a mask owned by King Tut. When asked how the king was recovering, researchers responded “Eh. Phar-oh.”