LATE NIGHT MONOLOGUE JOKES
I recently joined a writing group with fellow @ucbcomedy folks to workshop late night material, with the hopes of submitting packets to networks eventually. Every week, we're responsible to bring in a certain number of jokes to work on. This is what I'm submitting this week. (Be gentle. This is only my third time ever writing jokes like this!)
- •An investigation into Planned Parenthood led to an indictment of anti-abortion activists. When reached for comment, activists’ regret not having a Plan-B.
- •An investigation into Planned Parenthood led to the indictment of anti-abortion activists. If you ask me, it seems like one big pap smear campaign.
- •Only women turned up to run the senate, post-blizzard. It unfortunately won’t be the last time a woman is called frigid.
- •Mattel is introducing a new plus-size Barbie. Barbie, released as a businesswoman in 1963, and surgeon in 1972, looks forward to being body shamed in 2016.
- •Mattel plans to roll out Barbies with diverse bodies and skin tones. However, like the original, new dolls still won't receive equal pay.
- •3 inmates escaped prison by repelling off the roof using sheets. Experts claim this was a better strategy than the first attempt, yelling “Repunzle, Repunzle let down your long hair.”
- •A lizard found in a salad is being given a 2nd chance as a classroom pet. The lizard says he hopes for a 3rd chance as, “free."
- •Amazon is reporting great reviews for a Donald Trump erotic novel. With a main character like Trump, it promises to deliver a huge dick.
- •Bristol Palin wrote that Tina Fey’s impression of her mom is like “nails on a chalkboard.” So, in other words, a terrifyingly accurate portrayal.
- •This week 8 were charged for breaking a mask owned by King Tut. When asked how the king was recovering, researchers responded “Eh. Phar-oh.”