LATE NIGHT MONOLOGUE JOKES (2/21 - 2/27)

Help me out! Tell me which ones are your favorite. I have to cut a few out before 10. Also, this week we had to start including desk bits, which are bits the host plays at his (OR HER) desk. Think, for instance, of Thank You Notes with Jimmy Fallon. Enjoy!
  1. 1.
    This week, a former bachelor contestant passed away. On the bright side, she finally got what she wanted: final roses.
  2. 2.
    Huffington Post ran an article this week featuring “ten ways to be nicer to yourself.” Suggestions included meditation, practicing gratitude, and adopting the mantra “I’m not Jeb Bush.”
  3. 3.
    Donald Trump won the caucus in Nevada, leading Americans, more than ever, to hope that what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
  4. 4.
    Jeb Bush resigned from the presidential race this week. Which shouldn't come as a surprise, as bush hasn't been considered attractive for decades.
  5. 5.
    Researchers discovered that algae could restore sight to blind eyes. Patients say this gives a whole new meaning to “Under the See.”
  6. 6.
    Justice Scalia spent his final hours with an elite secret society, made up of white men. Also known as, the Oscars.
  7. 7.
    A poll found that one in five Trump supporters don't support the Emancipation Proclamation, which freed slaves. The news has me so scared, I'm issuing my own Constipation Proclamation.
  8. 8.
    A gunman murdered three in Kansas. If only he had a brain, a heart, or some courage.
  9. 9.
    Obama signed a bill to keep America from importing all products made with unfair labor. In unrelated news, America will soon declare its status as a one big nudist colony.
  10. 10.
    Alabama passed a bill to ban cities from raising the minimum wage. Representatives claim Alabama has no place for prosperity.
  11. 11.
    On Thursday the KKK endorsed Donald Trump. They made history as the first time the racist group ever endorsed a person of color.
  12. 12.
    Desk Bits::
  13. 13.
    This Week in Horoscopes
    This bit is similar to bits where the punchline is revealed first, and then the answer. Host would read a horoscope, and then reveal whose horoscope it was--linking together topical news stories with the fun/humor of horoscopes being vague but weirdly specific.
  14. 14.
    SENSE-oring the News
    The news can be obnoxious to watch, especially now during an election where politicians say so many terrible things. In this bit, the host would play a clip from a news story, and then play it again, censoring every racist, sexist, or hateful thing with a pleasant sound--like a cat meow.